Please Understand...

I came upon this article through Beckie's blog (Thank you, Beckie!) and I thought I should re-post this.  This article sums up everything I've been feeling during the past year:

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.



You may describe me as this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren’t very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed, and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.


My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I’ve spent years trying to avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can’t conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try hard, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.


My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I’d been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?


My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I’m never pregnant? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I’m losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self confidence and feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I have always taken care of it. I’m angry at my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me.

I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn’t cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can’t go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much nor so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self centered. I’m sad that I’ve ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much of my energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kid’s movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and long-term future seems impossible. I can’t decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timeline; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I ‘m learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I’m trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life. 

How Far, God?

Last Wednesday, during Bible study, Pastor L. said something that really stayed with me and I've been pondering about it ever since.

We were studying the story about a rich man that asked Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life.  Jesus then replied by saying, "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come follow me."  (NIV) The man's face fell and went away sad because he could not give up his worldly belongings (Mark 10:17 to 27).

Towards the end of the Bible study, Pastor L. shared a personal story. She said that last year, they thought that God was calling them to move to Vernon to pastor a church. The overseer called them and asked them if they were willing to do it. She said that throughout that week, they struggled with their decision. They didn't want to move from here to there. They liked it here, they were comfortable here but then in the end, they said yes, with free and willing hearts. She said that that weekend, they were invited to preach in Vernon and by the end of that sermon, they knew the answer. They didn't need to move. She asked, "Why would God want us to go through all the worry and the struggle of having to decide something so life changing?" She then said,

"Often the things we go through in life are just a test to see how far we would go for God."

Now, if God asked me to give up all my worldly belongings to become a missionary, I would follow him in a heartbeat. But then, I thought, if he asked me to give up my desire to have children for Him, would I do it?

I said yes, but with a heavy heart.  Material belongings for me are easy to give up but to give up my deepest longing? Now, that's hard. Often times, I go back and forth with my feelings.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm okay with whatever will happen but sometimes, it feels like I'm back to square one and struggling with my feelings of inadequacy and asking, "Why God, why?!".

I told Pastor L. about this.  It really bothered me how I could not say "yes" to Him freely and willingly. And she told me that it is not about how we feel but that we do it because we know it is the right thing to do and that is what matters. I know it is His will that must be followed, and not mine. I constantly forget that.  Submission is a constant struggle for me, especially since I have a Type A and headstrong personality where everything must be done accordingly and in order.  But feelings should not be a factor and I will try to not let it affect me from now on, hard as that may be.

So now I ask, how far, God? For where you want me to go, I will surely follow.