How Far, God?

Last Wednesday, during Bible study, Pastor L. said something that really stayed with me and I've been pondering about it ever since.

We were studying the story about a rich man that asked Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life.  Jesus then replied by saying, "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come follow me."  (NIV) The man's face fell and went away sad because he could not give up his worldly belongings (Mark 10:17 to 27).

Towards the end of the Bible study, Pastor L. shared a personal story. She said that last year, they thought that God was calling them to move to Vernon to pastor a church. The overseer called them and asked them if they were willing to do it. She said that throughout that week, they struggled with their decision. They didn't want to move from here to there. They liked it here, they were comfortable here but then in the end, they said yes, with free and willing hearts. She said that that weekend, they were invited to preach in Vernon and by the end of that sermon, they knew the answer. They didn't need to move. She asked, "Why would God want us to go through all the worry and the struggle of having to decide something so life changing?" She then said,

"Often the things we go through in life are just a test to see how far we would go for God."

Now, if God asked me to give up all my worldly belongings to become a missionary, I would follow him in a heartbeat. But then, I thought, if he asked me to give up my desire to have children for Him, would I do it?

I said yes, but with a heavy heart.  Material belongings for me are easy to give up but to give up my deepest longing? Now, that's hard. Often times, I go back and forth with my feelings.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm okay with whatever will happen but sometimes, it feels like I'm back to square one and struggling with my feelings of inadequacy and asking, "Why God, why?!".

I told Pastor L. about this.  It really bothered me how I could not say "yes" to Him freely and willingly. And she told me that it is not about how we feel but that we do it because we know it is the right thing to do and that is what matters. I know it is His will that must be followed, and not mine. I constantly forget that.  Submission is a constant struggle for me, especially since I have a Type A and headstrong personality where everything must be done accordingly and in order.  But feelings should not be a factor and I will try to not let it affect me from now on, hard as that may be.

So now I ask, how far, God? For where you want me to go, I will surely follow.