Yesterday, at church, while they were honouring the fathers for Father's Day, my heart bled for B. This man wants a child. Deserves a child. There is nothing wrong with him physically. And I couldn't help but think that if he had married another woman, well then, he would have had a child and he would be standing there amongst the other fathers proudly bearing his gift. Yes, I know, destructive thinking. Not good. At all. Well, as I was lost in my thoughts, my self-pity, I heard them call his name.
My heart skipped a beat. What? Did I hear it in my mind? Everyone's eyes were on us. Okay, I guess they really did call his name. The speaker then said that father's day should not only be for the fathers now but for the fathers-to-be. What surprised me was how I felt when they called his name. I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel grateful. Instead I felt anger.
Why? Let me backtrack a little bit. As I mentioned before, they prayed for me last year. This year, a guy on the worship team, J. called me up in front on Mother's Day after they gave flowers to all the mothers. Hesistant, I went in front nonetheless. J. gave me flowers and said, "I just know this woman's going to be a mother". I broke down in front of the church. Yes, I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve but I couldn't help it. It's an extremely sensitive topic.
I guess was annoyed that all these people (close friends and people I hardly talk to) know something so intimate about us as a couple. Our desire. The prayer closest to our heart. Why should these people know about what we're going through. It should be private, should it not? I didn't like the fact that everyone now knew our weakness.
I held the hubby's hand for a minute, not wanting him to come up front but then he squeezed my hand and looked at me. His eyes told me it's okay. I let him go. And then I prayed for strength. Strength not to break down (again). Strength so that I can smile for my husband who I know prays for a child day in and day out. Strength to face whatever outcome this journey will lead us to.
It only came to me later on in the day that maybe everyone in church knowing our deepest desire might possibly turn out to be a good thing. First off, at least no one will ever ask me again the redundant and heartbreaking question of "So... when are you guys having a baby?" Second of all, at least now I know that there will be more people who will keep us in their prayers. Finally, I need not hide my feelings about it anymore.
I tell myself many times over in a day that I will find reasons to smile about infertility and try to see anything positive about it. And hard as it may be, there actually is something positive. For in my weakness, God's strength and grace abounds. Despite the fact that I do not have a child yet, He has blessed me with so much.
I just wanted to say that I am sorry for doubting His love for my husband and I. His love that transcends all things... even this.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
— 2 Corinthians 12:9
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