The Absurdity of it All

June of 2008, the month of our 5th wedding anniversary, was the month that B and I decided to start trying to conceive (TTC). We both had stable, well paid jobs by then and thus, we felt that we were mentally, emotionally and financially ready to have a baby.

However, the initial excitement wore off pretty quickly as I started to hear of countless acquiantances, friends and churchmates who were expecting. In a way, my joy for those women, though heartfelt, was mixed with jealousy. News of their pregnancies only fueled my determination to get pregnant… and soon.

Yet, every time a cycle begun and ended with no result, anticipation soon turned into despair. Month after month, I would hope and month after month, I ended up frustrated. The dream of holding my own bundle of joy slowly but surely started to fade away and my heart, fraught with disappointment, hardened a little. Self-doubt, despair and the feeling of helplessness plagued my very being and I begun to doubt God and his omnipotence.

My desperation was fueled by people’s enquiries of, “When’s the baby coming?” It was hard to swallow every time I saw the disbelief in their eyes when I told them we have been married for almost 7 years and that I still had no baby. One of them even remarked, “You’re so slow!” I seriously had to restrain myself from smacking her on the head.

The absurdity of it all. I couldn’t help but regret our decision to wait to have a baby until we were ready. I mean, if I had known it would take this long for us to have a baby, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to prevent any unplanned pregnancy for the 5 years that we have been married in the first place! In retrospect, I would have gladly welcomed an unplanned child even though we weren’t financially ready. We would have dealt with it and gone through it no matter what, come hell or high water.

Occassionally, I would hear of unwed mothers getting pregnant and I would ask Him, “Why her and not me?”. It just wasn’t fair. Ever since I was a child, I’ve always thought I’d be a mother. Even my friends told me I would make a great mother. In fact, one of my childhood nicknames was “mothergoose”. I felt that I’ve always had motherly instincts plus I love children. What more did I need?

I was so consumed with the thought of having a baby, so much so that I would dream of giving birth. Of having children. B also told me once he knew we were going to have kids. He had dreamt of us having a daughter. In his dream, he was holding her but he said that he could not see her face. On mother’s day last year, a random guy from church whom I hardly knew (and thus didn’t know our predicament) stood up unexpectedly, picked a rose from the bucket of roses that they had placed in front to honour the mothers in our church, singled me out and gave me a rose. I asked God, is this a sign? And in my desperation, without meditating on it, I took it as a sign. But as usual, another cycle came and went, and another after that…. and I started losing hope again.

I fought with my desire to give up. I kept holding on to the verses of Psalm 37:4 and 5, “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And he shall bring it to pass.” The desires of my heart. I had knelt on my knees countless times, begging God for a baby. This was my deepest desire. The only thing I wished for. Hoping against all odds that my desire will be granted. But I still had nothing to show for it.

There was one time where I wandered over to the baby section of Old Navy, I ran my hands over the baby clothes and almost broke down in public. I was SO frustrated. I thought I was a failure. How can I be a good wife when I cannot even provide my husband with a child? I hated how I didn’t have a normal cycle. I hated that this was taking so much of my time, my thoughts. I hated me.

I was so focused on my pain and my helplessness that I forgot that God has a plan for me. I was taught once that God has three answers to our prayers: yes, no and wait. I had forgotten about the latter. Psalm 37:4-5 said that he will give us the desires of our heart BUT it also said to trust in Him. I didn’t. I was relying solely on myself and my ability to try and control my life. My bitterness and despair was because I was trying to control something I could NOT control. Jeremiah 29:11 says,

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

In my search for answers, God has revealed that my desire for a child must not surpass my love for the Lord and that I, first and foremost, must submit to his will. In the midst of this pain, this turmoil in my heart, he has taught me to be still, to be faithful. Slowly but surely, he has taught me to trust in Him. Pastor L said that I should give up. Not in Him, but in what I want and to continue to rejoice in Him no matter what my circumstances are.

I don’t know what He has in store for me but now, I gladly relinquish my desire to control my life to Him. I know His plans for me are for my own good and for the best. Be it through adoption, IVF, ICSI or whatever. I’m not saying that my heart doesn’t ache anymore or that I do not desire a child anymore. On the contrary. My heart still badly desires a child. But I know that I can rely in Him, for strength, for faith, for hope…

I debated for days about whether to make this post public. But I thought that it might somehow encourage someone out there who is in the same situation as I am now. For you, all I can say is: have hope, have faith and be strong.

To everyone who’s hurting
To those who’ve had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He’s come to save the day
What I’ve learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast
- Snippets from Hold Fast by MercyMe